by Randi Rhodes
posted Apr 25 2012 5:20PM
Mitt Romney wins big! If you like that headline, savor it. You won’t be seeing it again. Mitt completed a 5-state sweep. And what are you left with after a big sweep? A big pile of dirt! Now Mitt is turning his attention to taking on President Obama in the general election. And I do mean “turning” his attention. He’s going to be facing a completely different direction. He has assumed the helm of the Republican ship. Now he has to see if he can turn it away from the iceberg that the Tea Party types have it speeding towards.
Last night Mitt said “A better America begins tonight.” Cue the Etch A Sketch! Over the next couple of weeks, the Romney campaign will grow from some 80 employees to around 400. That, my friends, is the difference between needing to fool some of the people, and needing to fool all of the people.
Newt Gingrich said he will continue to campaign “as a citizen.” Translation—he thinks he can still milk this whole thing for some more book and DVD sales. As long as he continues campaigning, Newt’s Secret Service protection is costing taxpayers some $44,000 per day. So much for cutting government waste! But Newt needs those Secret Service agents! I bet that at a lot of his appearances, they’re the only ones there.
Last night, President Obama appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show. The President spoke about the cost of student loans over a slow jam laid down by the house band (video on WWRL home page). It was important progressive political speech over a great slow jam—kind of like “Martin Luther King meets B.B. King.” It would be really difficult for Mitt Romney to speak over the sound of musicians jamming—Mitt would try to have several different beats going on at the same time. Mitt is a polyrhythmic politician!
An embarrassing porn video of Mitt Romney has surfaced! No, Mitt is not performing in the porn video—he is vowing to get rid of porn. Oops! That might actually hurt his chances more than an actual porn video of him would. I mean, people already think of him as stiff.